An Open Letter to Grandchildren-and that means all of us—
Life is a weird thing. We start young and cute and we grow old and wise. We are young and cute, so our grandparents can be parents one more time without the same responsibility. We grow old and wise so that our children can take control and thank us for everything we have done. Right now? Right now, I am in that in between. I am not young and cute like a baby. I am not old and wise. Instead I’m just an observer. I’m also Maddie. You can call me Maddie, the observer.
I am one of 6 grandchildren on my mom’s side of the family. It’s a small group of us. Me, Alex, Shelby, Sy, Benjamin, and Lilah. I was never a great singer like Sy. I was never a great softball player like Shelby. I was never a baseball and basketball star like Alex. And I don’t remember being the cute baby like Ben and Lilah (though from what I hear I definitely was). I have always been Maddie. The one who smiles as she casually skips down the basketball court. The one who made Varsity field hockey not as a freshman but as a junior. The one who was always happy just being the happy one. My identity in the eyes of my family has always been something that I struggled with. Why didn’t I have a clear place in the Lipschutz clan? Why was I not that into sports? Why was I always the one being silly and not serious? Why didn’t I have a clear-cut passion?
These are questions I didn’t exactly ever find answers to, but I have figured out that the reason I don’t have answers to these questions. These are the wrong questions. Instead, I ask myself why am I me? It’s a little cliche, but life is just a big cliche so I’m going to run with it. Enjoy the ride, you lucky grandchild.
There are 75.4 million baby boomers in alive. This is the pool of grandparents in 2018. That is a lot of grandparents. As a grandchild, are you ever unsure of your role in your family? With so many grandparents around us, I find it hard to believe every grandchild has a perfect relationship with their respective elders. It’s my hope that hearing my story about finding my role in my family can help you, another grandchild, build a stronger relationship with some of the most special people in your life. I also know not everyone has a grandparent to build a relationship with, and some may not consider themselves grandchild’s at all. To that, I say you’re wrong. We’re all born from someone who was born from someone. Inherently we are all grandchildren, even Betty White is a grandchild. So read on with a grain of salt, and channel your inner innocence please.
Have you ever had someone in your life who always sees the good? Even if not a grandparent, is there someone who sees you as just you? On my dad’s side of the family it felt like I was just a grandchild who could do anything I wanted and still be deemed perfect. There were only two of us (my brother and I) for most of Judy and Harvey’s time as grandparents. Alex was the only one to compare me to and we were so starkly different comparing us was a joke. We are about as polar opposite as siblings get. Grandma Judy saw past my messiness and mental disorganization and made me a lady in her eyes. “Oh Maddie, that is so wonderful.” Her voice echoes in my head whenever I think about telling her something exciting in my life. It feels like I have a voice memo saved in my brain. It didn’t matter that I was not how she imagined a perfect young lady, she still loved every inch of me.
Judy passed away my sophomore year in high school and it made something shift inside me. When I lost Grandpa Harvey, her husband, years earlier in middle school I of course grieved. He was a solid figure in my life, but I grieved more for my dad and his siblings than anything else. He had always just been grandpa, I never really got to know the true Harvey my dad called dad. Grandma was different. She was full on Judy Nyman Deutsch. I felt like I traveled the world with her. I had a list of Judy stories I had her repeat time and time again. She taught me culture through her own eyes. She was Judy, my fabulous grandma. Her death rocked me. She was a figure of stability, and her slow and gradual death shook everything around me. I learned what mourning really meant. I learned what waves of grief were. I also gained a new level of love and devotion to my two living grandparents, Sue and Herb.
There are actual statistics on how much grandparents value and love spending time with their family. In fact, “the two most common answers to an open-ended question on the benefits of aging were spending more time with family (28%) and spending time with grandchildren (25%).” I am my grandparent’s world, and they are the reason my world is what it is.
I realized that while I had been thinking my email exchanges with my grandpa Herb were him humoring me, they were truly admiration filled. My grandpa, enthralled in the world of CNN, looks at the world in a simple lens. He sees the problem and he figures out a solution. He then tells me what I need to do to make it happen. He sees successful and courageous women like Rachel Maddow on the TV screen every morning and to him there is no reason that can’t be me. I’m the only one with reasons. His pure devotion to my success is better than any gift card they could give me for Hanukkah.
As I came to appreciate this gift, I found a gift I could give on my own. I learned how one quick phone call or email message could change the week for both of my grandparents. I felt silly for believing my talents on the softball field or in front of a microphone would have ever affected how my grandparents saw me and loved me. I am special. I am special on my own. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. My cousins may have something else, but I am special too. All this time they had instilled in me a confidence I failed to recognize. Here I am though, recognizing it in its full glory. Do you think this is something I need to thank them for directly? Some may say it’s the grandparent duty. What would you thank your special people for?
Close childhood bonds with grandparents have been proven to contribute to overall well-being in grandchildren. Grandparents are able to educate grandchildren on history, life-lessons, and happiness factors. Not only that, but we the grandchildren are able to enrich the lives of our grandparents with knowledge about new happenings and the developments of our generation. Teaching Grandpa how to use Snapchat? That is what we call enriching.
There are moments of my life that would be incomplete without my grandparents. They have known me longer than I have known myself. My grandma, Sue, is the coolest and most fascinating woman I have met. She never fails to make me giggle with her hooligan days stories, and she never fails to capture the best moments on her camera. More importantly she never fails to make me smile. I have never had a visit with her where I haven’t smiled. I can’t emphasize enough how positive an impact she has on my life. She is the matriarch of our family and while her cooking is unreal to say the least, it is her raw and natural love that holds our family together, not her matzah ball soup. I see so much good in my grandma. I don’t like to use the word good when there are a million other fancier words out there but that is what she is, she is a good good good women.
She has a heart of gold and is exactly what I aspire to be when I am a grandparent one day.
That being said, I can’t really say I know any 65+ people well, other than my two grandparents. Having older friends, and yes my grandparents are my friends, is awesome. Every older person has so much to share. What makes your grandmother special? What do you want me to know about her? There’s got to be something. Think about it, and tell her not me.
I know if my grandpa ever got a hold of this, he’d be shaking his head and laughing that quiet chuckle he does when he’s in utter disbelief. He is a humble man. He is a humble father. He is a humble grandfather. He passed invaluable passion on to all of his children, and they in turn have given it to my whole grandchildren cohort. My grandpa wrote a romance novel about two doctors falling in love in medical school. Now, he is turning his already full blown novel into a screenplay. I think that is pretty freaking cool. He is never not working on the next big thing, he is always moving full speed, straight ahead.
I am not ignorant in that my relationship with my grandparents is unique to my own life. No person can have any kind of same relationship. I am not telling anyone how to go about their relationships. Trust me when I say I know every family has their drama. If you are able to put drama aside though, every grandparent is valuable and every grandchild should see that value. I know, I know. Who am I to tell you this? Afterall, I am just Maddie the observer. Nevertheless I am a gratefully cognizant observer who knows sending an update on my classes goes a long way in Grandparents World.
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I am also a gratefully cognizant observer and writer so naturally I am writing this all down. That’s my niche. I’m sorry it took me so long to observe. Thank your grandparents for everything in the world that they do. Be it crispy potatoes, chocolate chip cookies, applesauce or pumpkin pie. It all has shaped us. Every last bite.
Sincerely,
Maddie
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